Gen Z: Ghosting, Situationships & Finding Your People

Your Gen Z Guide to Building a Real Friend Group

Let’s take a headcount. How many “friends” do you have?

First, count the people in your Snapchat feed. Then, the followers you DM memes to on Instagram. Add the people in your Discord server, the ones you game with, and the familiar faces from your comment sections. The number is probably in the hundreds, maybe even thousands.

Now, do a second headcount. How many of those people could you call at 2 AM with a real crisis? Who could you ask for help moving a couch? Who would sit with you in silence after a devastating breakup? Who truly knows what’s going on in your life behind the filtered photos and witty captions?

For most of us, the number on that second list is terrifyingly small. Maybe one or two. Maybe zero.

Welcome to the great paradox of Gen Z: you are the most connected generation in human history, yet you are also the loneliest. You have endless streams of social contact but a famine of real connection. Your social lives are a confusing landscape of internet "friends," ghosting, flaky plans, and platonic “situationships”—those undefined friendships where no one is quite sure what the rules are or how much they’re allowed to care.

You’re told that finding your “tribe” is the key to happiness, but no one gives you a map. So here it is. This is your no-BS guide to cutting through the noise, ditching the superficial connections, and building a real, ride-or-die friend group that can actually support the weight of your life.

Why Is This So Hard? The Modern Friendship Crisis

If you feel like building deep friendships is harder than ever, you’re not wrong. The architecture of our social lives has been fundamentally altered.

Psychologists and sociologists point to a few key culprits:

1. The Digital Social Fallacy: Social media platforms are designed to provide the illusion of community without the requirements of actual connection. Liking a photo or sending a meme gives you a small hit of social dopamine, making you feel like you've interacted and nurtured a bond. But it's a cheap substitute. Real friendship is built on shared vulnerability, consistency, and time—three things that digital interactions are expertly designed to bypass.

2. The Culture of "Optionality": Our phones have given us endless options. There’s always another event, another party, another potential person to meet. This creates a culture of non-committal, flaky plans. People don’t want to lock anything in because something “better” might come along. This makes the simple act of scheduling and showing up—the absolute bedrock of any relationship—a monumental task.

3. The Decline of "Third Places": As sociologist Ray Oldenburg described, “third places” are the physical locations outside of home (first place) and work (second place) where informal community life happens. Think coffee shops, community centers, pubs, libraries, and parks. With the rise of remote work and digital entertainment, these vital hubs for spontaneous, real-world interaction have dwindled, leaving us with fewer opportunities to organically meet people who share our interests and values.

The result is a generation that has mastered the art of the surface-level connection but is often at a total loss when it comes to building something deeper. A 2023 report from the American Psychological Association highlighted that Gen Z reports higher levels of loneliness than any other generation, a trend that predates but was exacerbated by the pandemic. It’s not a personal failing; it’s a systemic problem. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. It just means you have to be more strategic.

Step 1: The Friendship Audit – Clearing Out the Clutter

You cannot build a strong structure on a rotten foundation. Before you can attract the right people, you have to be honest about the people currently taking up space in your life.

• Categorize Your Connections: Take a piece of paper and draw three concentric circles.

  • Inner Circle: Your ride-or-dies. The 2 AM call people. (This circle might be empty right now, and that’s okay. That’s why you’re here.)

  • Middle Circle: Real friends. You hang out one-on-one, you trust them to an extent, but maybe they aren't your absolute go-to.

  • Outer Circle: Acquaintances and fun-time friends. The people you see in groups, the party friends, the classmates. The vibe is good, but the connection is situational.

• Identify the Energy Vampires: Now, look at your list. Who consistently flakes on plans? Who only hits you up when they need something? Who leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or bad about yourself after you hang out? These are “energy vampires.” They are taking up relational bandwidth that could be going to people who actually support you. You don’t need to have a dramatic confrontation. Just start a “slow fade.” Stop initiating contact. Be polite but unavailable. Your time and energy are your most valuable resources; stop giving them to people who squander them.

Step 2: Become the Person You Want to Befriend

Here’s a hard truth: you attract what you are. If you are flaky, negative, and self-absorbed, you will attract other flaky, negative, and self-absorbed people. If you want to build a friend group based on loyalty, positivity, and deep connection, you must first embody those qualities yourself.

• Master the Art of Showing Up: Be the person who honors a commitment. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. If you have to cancel, give as much notice as possible with a real reason and immediately suggest a new time. In a world of flakes, being reliable makes you a unicorn. It is the single fastest way to build trust.

• Shift from Interesting to Interested: We’re all conditioned to try and seem “interesting.” We talk about our accomplishments, our cool experiences, our witty takes. Flip the switch. Become radically interested in other people. Ask good questions—and then actually listen to the answers. Go beyond "What do you do?" Ask "What's the most challenging part of your job?" or "What are you most excited about right now?" When you make someone feel seen and heard, you create an instant, powerful connection.

• Bring the Positive Energy: This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending you don’t have problems. It’s about being the person who celebrates others’ wins, who offers a genuine compliment, who looks for solutions instead of just complaining. Be the friend who, when their caller ID pops up, makes someone smile, not sigh.

Step 3: Go Where the Fish Are – The Strategy of Shared Interests

You are not going to build a deep friendship by swiping on an app or shouting over music at a crowded bar. Deep connections are forged in the soil of shared context and repeated, unplanned interactions. You need to strategically place yourself in environments where you can find your people.

• Join Something with a Structure: Don't just "go to the gym;" join a CrossFit box, a climbing gym, or a running club where you see the same people three times a week. Don't just "like art;" take a multi-week pottery or painting class. Structured activities with a recurring schedule are friendship incubators. They eliminate the pressure of planning and create the consistency required for bonds to form.

• Find Your "Third Place": Actively seek out and become a regular at a local spot. A coffee shop where the baristas know your order, a bookstore with events, a brewery with a weekly trivia night. Becoming a "regular" anywhere turns you from a stranger into a familiar face, dramatically lowering the barrier to starting a conversation.

• Yes, And…: When you meet someone you click with, follow the improv rule of "Yes, and…" They mention they like a certain band? "Oh cool, and we should go see them if they come to town." They talk about a hiking trail? "That sounds awesome, and we should go check it out next weekend." Take the initiative to turn a conversation into a plan.

• 
  

Step 4: The Art of the Upgrade – From Acquaintance to Friend

You’ve met some cool people. How do you move them from the outer circle to the middle circle? You have to be willing to be a little vulnerable and take a small social risk.

• Initiate the One-on-One: This is the crucial leap. Ask the person to do something specific, just the two of you. "Hey, it was cool talking at trivia night. Would you be down to grab a beer sometime next week?" A group hang is fun, but a one-on-one hang is where real connection happens.

• Share Strategically: You don’t need to trauma-dump on your first friend-date. But you can share something a little more personal than your opinion on the latest Marvel movie. Talk about a challenge you're facing at work or a goal you're working towards. This signals, "I'm open to a deeper level of conversation," and gives them permission to do the same. This is where you can use the principles from a tool like our Courageous Conversations Workbook—to be intentional about what you share to build trust.

Building your friend group takes work. It will be awkward sometimes. You will face rejection. Not everyone you meet is meant to be in your inner circle. But it is some of the most important work you will ever do.

Stop swiping and start showing up. Stop complaining about being lonely and start becoming the kind of friend you wish you had. The connection, the support, and the community you crave are not going to fall into your lap. They are waiting for you to build them.

References:

• Oldenburg, R. (1989). The Great Good Place: Cafes, Coffee Shops, Bookstores, Bars, Hair Salons, and Other Hangouts at the Heart of a Community. Marlowe & Company.

• Twenge, J. M. (2017). iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us. Atria Books.

• American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America™ 2023: A Nation Recovering from Collective Trauma. APA.org.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS medicine, 7(7), e1000316. (This landmark study shows that a lack of social connection is as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day).

• Dunbar, R. I. M. (2018). The anatomy of friendship. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 22(1), 32-41. (Highlights the time and effort required to move friends through different layers of closeness).