"Man Up" is Out: Learning the Language of Emotional Intelligence

Man Up: The Two Most Damaging Words in the Modern Male Vocabulary

We’ve all heard them. We’ve all had them directed at us. Many of us have even said them. It’s the go-to phrase when a boy or a man shows a flicker of emotion that isn’t anger or stoic indifference. It’s a verbal command to shut down, to suppress, and to bury whatever you’re feeling. Instead, you’re expected to replace it with a mask of impenetrable strength. This phrase is the central pillar of an old, outdated, and frankly, dangerous code of masculinity.

This code taught us that to be a man was to be a rock—unflinching, unemotional, and invulnerable. We learned that feelings were a liability, a sign of weakness to be conquered and hidden away. The result? Generations of men who are emotionally constipated, disconnected from themselves and the people they love most, and paying a steep price for it in their mental health, relationships, and even careers.

The Need for an Upgrade

It’s time for an upgrade. The world has changed, and our definition of strength needs to change with it. The new currency of power, success, and influence isn’t brute force or emotional suppression. It’s Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Learning the language of EQ is not about becoming “soft” or losing your masculine edge. It’s about becoming more effective, more resilient, and more connected. It’s about trading in the blunt instrument of stoicism for a set of precision tools that will allow you to navigate the complexities of modern life and leadership with skill and confidence. Forget “manning up.” It's time to wise up.

What is Emotional Intelligence (And Why Should You Care)?

The concept of Emotional Intelligence was popularized by psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking 1995 book of the same name. Goleman defined EQ as the ability to perceive, understand, and manage your own emotions, as well as the ability to perceive, understand, and influence the emotions of others.

Think of it this way: IQ (your cognitive intelligence) gets you in the door. It’s your technical skill and analytical ability. But EQ is what determines how you perform once you’re inside. It’s your ability to handle pressure, communicate effectively, build trust, and lead a team. It is the single biggest predictor of performance at work, accounting for nearly 60% of success in all types of jobs. A multi-year study by PepsiCo even found that executives with high EQ generated 10% more in productivity, had 87% less turnover on their teams, and delivered $3.75 million more in value to the company than their low-EQ counterparts.

But the benefits go far beyond your career. High EQ is linked to better physical health, greater life satisfaction, and deeper, more stable relationships. A 2010 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that a partner’s emotional intelligence was a significant predictor of relationship satisfaction and longevity for both parties (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2010).

The "man up" mantra is the direct enemy of EQ. It teaches you to be emotionally unaware and unskilled. It's like trying to navigate a complex world in black and white when everyone else is operating in high-definition color.

The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence: A Man's Field Guide

Emotional Intelligence isn't some vague, mystical quality you're either born with or not. It's a set of four concrete, learnable skills.

Pillar 1: Self-Awareness (Knowing Thyself)

This is the foundation. You cannot manage what you do not recognize. Self-awareness is the ability to accurately identify your own emotions and understand your tendencies. It's knowing what you’re feeling, why you're feeling it, and how it impacts your thoughts and behavior.

The "man up" code short-circuits this process. It teaches us to compress all our "unacceptable" emotions—fear, sadness, hurt, anxiety—into a single, "acceptable" one: anger. The guy who gets angry in traffic isn't just "angry." He might be feeling disrespected (a form of hurt), anxious about being late, or overwhelmed by a tough day. But because he lacks emotional granularity, it all comes out as rage.

• How to Build It: The Daily Emotional Audit. Set an alarm on your phone for three random times a day. When it goes off, stop what you're doing and ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" Be specific. Instead of "bad," try to find the more precise word. Annoyed? Disappointed? Anxious? Overwhelmed? Frustrated? There are emotion wheels online that can give you a richer vocabulary. Just the act of naming the emotion begins to take away its power over you. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman's research at UCLA showed that simply labeling an emotion reduces the activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center, and engages the more rational prefrontal cortex.

  
  

Pillar 2: Self-Regulation (Managing Thyself)

Once you know what you’re feeling, self-regulation is what you do about it. It’s your ability to manage your emotional state, control impulsive behaviors, and stay calm under pressure. It's the pause between feeling an emotion and acting on it.

A man with low self-regulation gets cut off in traffic and lays on the horn, screaming insults. A man with high self-regulation gets cut off, feels a flash of anger, takes a deep breath, and thinks, "Wow, that guy must be in a real hurry," and moves on with his day. Who is more in control? Who is stronger?

• How to Build It: Master the Tactical Pause. When you feel a strong, reactive emotion rising, practice the "6-Second Pause." This technique, developed by the EQ pioneers at Six Seconds, is based on the fact that it takes about six seconds for the neurochemicals of an emotional reaction to get absorbed by the body. Before you react, take one deep, slow breath. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 2, exhale for 6. In that tiny window of time, you allow your rational brain to catch up with your emotional brain. You create a space where you can choose your response instead of being a slave to your reaction.

  
  

Pillar 3: Social Awareness (Understanding Others)

Social awareness is the ability to look outward. It's about accurately picking up on the emotional cues of others—their body language, their tone of voice, and their unspoken feelings. It's the art of empathy.

The "man up" code cripples empathy because it teaches us that our emotional landscape is the only one that matters. We become so focused on maintaining our own stoic façade that we fail to notice the subtle signals being sent by our partners, our children, and our colleagues. We wonder why our partner is upset, completely missing the fact that her tense shoulders and clipped tone of voice have been screaming "I'm overwhelmed!" for hours.

• How to Build It: The Practice of Active Observation. In your next conversation or meeting, shift your focus from "What am I going to say next?" to "What is this person feeling?" Pay attention to more than just their words. What is their posture? Their facial expression? Are they making eye contact? Is their tone of voice upbeat or strained? Treat it like a game of detective work. You’re not trying to be a mind-reader, but a better observer. You will be astonished at how much information you’ve been missing.

  
  

Pillar 4: Relationship Management (Connecting with Others)

This is where the first three pillars come together. Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and the emotions of others to build strong, trusting, and effective connections. It includes skills like clear communication, conflict resolution, and inspiring and influencing others.

This is the pinnacle of leadership, both at home and at work. A man with poor relationship management skills tries to lead through intimidation and authority ("Do it because I said so"). A man with high EQ leads through inspiration and influence ("Here's why this is important, and I know our team has the talent to make it happen. How can I support you?").

• How to Build It: The Shift to "I" Statements. When in conflict, our default is to use accusatory "you" statements: "You always interrupt me." "You never listen." This immediately puts the other person on the defensive. An "I" statement, on the other hand, expresses your feelings without casting blame. It follows a simple formula: "I feel [your emotion] when [the specific behavior] because [the impact it has on you]."

- Instead of: "You never help with the kids."

- Try: "I feel overwhelmed and unsupported when I have to handle the kids' bedtime routine alone because it leaves me with no time to decompress." This doesn't guarantee you'll get what you want, but it transforms a potential fight into a solvable problem. It opens the door for collaboration instead of slamming it shut with blame. Our Courageous Conversations Workbook is a valuable tool for practicing how to frame these statements.

Embracing a New Era of Manhood

The "man up" era is over. It produced men who were strong on the outside but brittle on the inside. The future belongs to men who dare to cultivate their inner world with the same dedication they apply to their outer one. Emotional intelligence isn't about being less of a man; it's about being a more fully realized one. It's the ultimate strength—the power to understand, manage, and connect.

If you're a guy looking to cultivate or hone your EQ, Kimberly has lots of experience supporting men in becoming their best selves!

References:

• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.

• Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional Intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.

• Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2010). Trait emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28(4), 543-561.

• Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological science, 18(5), 421–428.

• Six Seconds. (n.d.). The Six Seconds EQ Model.

• Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, cognition and personality, 9(3), 185-211.